Traumatic experiences.

It occurred to me last night whilst playing a stupid game of catching a pretend killer (yes I know I'm 52) that we never know what goes on inside others lives.

There was a pariticular moment in the game where a suggested friend popped up on social media and I had to stop what I'm doing and take a breath.

You see I struggle with how fake I feel that some of my life has been, the cover ups to create a persona of perfectness I have aways struggled with. Parents that create unhappy situations teach their children young to play the game, meaning being rescued is out of the question because you are one big happy family, and through some sort of psyche I have no idea about, children fall into line and play the game.

As an adult I have played the game until fairly recently. Trust me when I say though I've had moments where I rebelled and didn't. Adults make choices and that's fine, sometimes we make bad choices as all humans do, but the one thing I decided was that I would always hold myself accountable for poor choices I make that affect my children.

Once I was a child in a cycle spinning fast of selfish choices that impact me to this day, and nobody knew other than those in the inner circle who had been trained to accept the normal of their world. Bolshy claire, dramatic claire, stroppy claire with a very loud voice that was not allowed to tell, and didn't even know she could.

The friend suggestion that popped up, has been securely filed away, after a fitful night of sleep I woke up and smiled, because in my heart I know I have never caused the pain and trauma that person did.

I didn't solve the murder, but I did spot a piece of my own puzzle into place.

Claire as a baby