Narcisstic pondering and a nomadic life. (With a lot of people in it) 😂

Have you ever wondered why you do things..?

I have spent the majority of my life questioning myself, my being and normally not coming up with any conclusions, which then leads to more deliberation.

I have always wanted to be a person with a goal, as a young person I was the one who never knew what she wanted to do as a grown up , and now not only am I a grown up but I am also heading into my "older" years, and I still don't bloody know what I want to do.

Yet somehow I've managed to do a lot, I've achieved a family, some amazing jobs, but never planned for any of them, I've kind of been a "oh that looks nice I'll give that a go" kinda girl.

The pondering has taken on a whole new level today, now not only am I pondering in my aim in life but I'm pondering on why I don't have one. (An aim that is, not a life. Though that could be argued) ❤️

Anyone that is a social media fan will know that an hour scrolling can lead you to diagnose yourself with mulitiple things, I've been add, with traits of autism, I've been bipolar, I've even dived down the path of narcisstic, except I quickly ruled that one out because anyone that has an awareness of npd, will know you probably won't even explore your behaviours because that's not part of your psyche.

I have finally come to the conclusion that actually I'm claire, a human that was shaped and moulded into who she is by her choices and others choices, and actually it's pretty cool to be me, whilst also ever so slightly annoying.

I have turned into a bit of a nomad in many ways, making decisions to protect my own well-being, with the help of others making choices for me has supported me to see that not everyone that surrounds you is good for your soul.

My soul is one that wants nothing more than crusty bread and pate, world peace and people that aren't manipulative for their own gain, or who hide behind the cover of npd to protect themselves whilst creating the beautifully npd logic of a smear campaign to enhance their sense of self.

You see I'm just claire that sees it for what it is, whilst living her very boring, humdrum beautifully dysfunctional life without the need to install hate into that. Because life is beautiful and whilst I could never decide what I want to do in life I can decide who I have in it.

A relaxed Sunday morning does nothing to support my pondering issue.