Depression and tooth fairies

As a teacher my mind is one that is either

exhausted or working at full pelt, without even stopping to think. There is never an in between.

I have struggled with my mental health for many years and am used to the ups and downs of life, whilst practising many strategies to keep on top of the game, but some days just feel like you are fighting a battle that you aren't going to win. Today was just like that.

Walking around at work wondering if I could hold the tears back to present a beautifully designed lesson on minimising risks. Whilst delivering this session and watching my learners curious expressions when learning that the world isn't just about the beautiful plumes of vape they can produce or the cheeses melt they will be buying at lunchtime made me wonder about life and the circle that it goes in. I still wanted to cry, it was almost as though at any given moment the square lip was ready to do it's wobbly thing, which is never ideal in a classroom with a fair few teenagers awaiting my next point about record keeping and it's importance.

I gave up My fight at this point and decided the course of action was going to be rather than fighting the fight, just let it happen, I mean depression and the whole stiff upper lip thing is so yesterday.

The day continued with my dramatic self that has no fear of judgement in terms of my mental health, randomly telling colleagues that I was going to cry, they all know me and leapt into action, well actually just carrying on as they were, you know the score.. a bit of banter followed by the odd, don't cry.. etc..

As the day reached an end, in that I don't mean an actual end, more of a wind down and finish the tasks type of end.. something beautiful happened that reminded me it was ok to live in my world, but also to enter others and in that moment I remembered who I was.

It's fairies you see, the ones that take your teeth away and leave you 50p if you are lucky, fairies do exist because one of my learners told me, they are magic and can even get through windows without breaking them.

If a 16 year old can believe this, then so can I, and in that one moment I was five, with a wobbly tooth prepping it to fall out just so the fairies can come and bring me enough money to put in my pink and white flower embossed piggy bank, and the feeling hit me.

Then I smiled and the wobble of my bottom lip felt less problematic, I felt it, that brief feeling of excitement and fear of a small winged creature that was proud of me.

It's the small things