A little snippet. A dysfunctional family.. I’m being brave to pave the way.

You know those people who can give advice but can't take it.. yep that's me.

It's amazing when you are a product of dysfunction how you learn to cope, I see pain, I can feel it but I'm not so good at dealing with my own..

There is always a fear for me of not being believed and that is what the narcistic surrounding of one's life does to you, it's all you know and you find comfort in being the one to blame. Looking for those moments where you can actually have some peace from the head fuckery the surroundings create.

As a 52 year old woman how the hell do I describe it, put logic to what occurred in my childhood, in my first marriage.. yeh when it's all you know you kind of weirdly become attracted to it.

On a clear day, I'm strong and full of rebelliousness.. on a foggy day it's a case of put your mask on and do your thing.

When you have had that life you become the master of hiding within many facades, and are convinced that you are going to get found out for the person you have been told you are. It bloody painful when even when you know what's right and what's wrong. You will always side with your abusers right.. not your own, and that's what they do, veiled threats of calling you out, when they have a grip on your total being, convincing you that they are to be feared.

The remnants of that me are still there, however the are dissipating slowly but surely and this is me being brave enough to say, I'm right, and for anyone that wants to create a smear campaign to absolve them if their sins.. please fire away..

Because that old chestnut is currently my choice of weapon in the war against anyone with a brain that gets joy from creating pain.

Just the beginning :)